When I started writing about sex one of my big motivations was my lifelong belief that I was doing it wrong. After a coupe of months of writing I realized something very important, most people thing they are, in some way, shape or form doing it wrong.
Really, is it any wonder? I don’t know about you but even my “sex positive” social media feed bombards me with people’s opinions on what makes sex good presented as fact “If he won’t _____ show him the door!” “Real women _______” “Can we ALL just accept that_____ is a garbage sex position?!” and seemingly every couple of weeks (seriously, it happens with frightening regularity) the snarky “women’s” websites (let’s just create a composite called XOJezeDamestle) run a pieces announcing that my favorite barrier method is gross, a position I love is universally hated, no one likes the people I’m attracted to, sex acts that do nothing for me are the only way to orgasmic bliss, my sexual orientation isn’t real, and the kind of sex I like is something people only pretend to enjoy because, porn (which, interestingly, I’m actually not into). Folks… this is absurd. I don’t know about you but every time I read that stuff I cringe thinking about all the people (because I know it’s not just me) who just had their sexual preferences (or body type, or orientation, or identity) invalidated. I get angry because who are we – any of us- to tell people “I don’t like this so it’s the worst and no one should do it!”? Especially since what most people really want to hear, really NEED to hear is “when it comes to sex, you’re doing great!”
Now, let’s take a minute to remember that for many people being told that their sexual preferences or identities are wrong has been a high-risk proposition putting them at risk for violence, making them have to fight for basic rights that everyone else has while others – like me for example- simply face a bit of ribbing or feeling like they are failing. The stakes are different for different people (and way higher for some) but the overall problem remains- when we judge each others’ sexual identities, when we state that there’s a right and wrong way to have of “consenting adults who are on the same page” we cause harm. The worst part is, there’s no reason for any of it, when it comes to sex, you’re doing great!
The thing is, it happens everywhere. When we think of folks being judgmental about sexuality I think it’s tempting to think that it’s “them” doing it. The bad guys who are into MRA stuff or who say things like “legitimate rape” because we think that we are more open and safe here in sex positive world. But so often what folks think is “yay this sexy thing!!!” often comes off a lot more like “you’re failing if you don’t do this sexy thing!!” Let’s not kid ourselves, the “funny”, “sex positive” meme-ified jokes on social media are frequently (often inadvertently) pats on the back to people who agree with out “cool” opinion and digs at those who don’t. With a loaded subject like sex, that carries so much baggage for so many people, why make yourself feel cooler at the expense of others? Come on, let’s be better to each other than that! Besides, when it comes to sex, you’re doing great!
What about when we catch ourselves judging? Because, An important thing to remember is that often the impulse to judge can come from insecurity in our own choices (though a quick glimpse around our world lately will quickly show that some people do seem to judge just because they are horrible humans), if you find yourself having the impulse to judge someone else’s sexual behavior, take a minute to think about why the behavior of another adult, that has nothing to do with you bothers so at all. For me, I know I used to get judgmental about other people’s sexual behavior because I felt self-conscious about my own lack of experience and perceived inadequacy. It took me way too long to realize that judging them wouldn’t solve my problem, only learning and finding the experiences I wanted could do that. So now, yes, I’m going to quote Mean Girls “Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter… All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.” For many of us that problem is simple fear. Fear that we look wrong, act wrong, smell wrong, are wrong, whatever and we need to feel, know, understand that when it comes to sex, we ARE doing great!
So, whether you keep it strictly missionary forever, or have all of your sex in costumed orgies, whether you have never explored butt stuff or your favorite thing in the whole world is to get kinky in the bedroom with anal sex toys, whether you love getting hot and heavy all the time or have no interest in sexual contact at all, IT’S ALL OKAY. You really are doing great. Love your own sex, embrace your own sex, enjoy the hell out of your own sex and leave everyone else to do the same. Let them spit while you swallow (it’s not your business!), let them not be into anal (how does it affect you?!), let them LOVE urethral sounding (it’s their urethra!) and let them do it all without your commentary and if you must, absolutely MUST say something, repeat after me:
When it comes to sex, you’re doing great!
This post contains a link sponsored by Dear Lady. The opinions in it are, as always, my own.