Teach Your Children Well: Sex Positive Parenting

Last week I was sailing along having a good time talking music and sex (like I do…check it out) when suddenly I stumbled upon a completely unexpected lesson. Here’s the quick and dirty version of the story:

3rd grade catholic school Bedhead sings Salt n’ Pepa’s “Push It” in the lunchroom. Teachers, principal and parents freak out & tell Bedhead she did something disgusting. The kicker: no one will explain what she did wrong until a classmate tells her what the song is about. This leaves a confused child who has learned that sex is a dangerous thing that can sneak up on you and get you in trouble. Writing out this story causes current day Bedhead to have epiphany regarding the importance of sex-positive parenting. Cue this post.

So, what is sex-positive parenting? I will leave that explanation to one of my favorite sources on the topic, Airial Clark of The Sex- Positive Parent.  “Being a sex-positive parent means we assume that our children will grow into autonomous, sexually active adults and we support our children’s individual sexual identity no matter what. This support is a lifelong process where the conversations start early with age-appropriate explanations”

When I first read it, that blew my mind! I grew up in a world where children weren’t to be told about sex unless it was to tell them they were not allowed to do it. There were no explanations, there was no eye toward the child’s future as a sexually active adult, there was no recognition of the autonomy of the child, there was no room for considering sexuality identity- heteronormativity was the order of the day if for no other reason than it didn’t require anyone to think, try or talk. Think about the “Push it” story. How different would that have been if someone, really anyone at all, had taken the opportunity to talk to me at all? Looking back, it just seems like that would have been so much easier than engaging in this elaborate song and dance of trying to punish me while not saying what I had (allegedly) done wrong so as to shield me from the perversion of any and all mention of sex.

So what does sex-positive parenting look like in action? To give you a clearer picture, I want to share two of my favorite sex-positive parenting stories:

What is Sexy? by The Mamasutra addresses giving children explanations that are helpful, age-appropriate, non-judgmental and not overwhelming. My favorite part? When she takes apart the idea that discussing sexuality with children “destroys their innocence” -it’s a great look at the judgments we place on sex even as adults! More by The Mamasutra

Slut-shaming on the Playground by Airial Clark tells the story of Clark finding the teachable moment in her son’s judgment of a female classmate’s kissing activities. The last line of this story (“I’m learning that what goes down in the dorm room starts on the playground. And mama ain’t havin’ it.”) was what grabbed me and made me see the potential sex-positive has in terms of changing America’s rape culture. More by Airial Clark.

Really, these two stories are just the tip of the awesomeness iceberg but if you are, like me, completely new to this concept, they are a great place to start!

I’ll leave you with some bullet points based on what I’ve learned in the last month or so since this concept entered my life

• It’s not just about caring for the child TODAY, it’s also about cultivating the adult of tomorrow and the things we say and do build that adult.
• Any relationship (mine, yours, a child’s) relies on open honest communication to stay healthy.
• So much rides on respect. Someone who knows they are respected and thus goes into the world with respect for themselves and others is someone who doesn’t attack those who are different, someone who values consent and reciprocity, someone who can relate healthfully with others.

These are so bare-bones and, not to sound like a PSA but there is so much to learn here. I fee like I’m learning more every day. What’s more my mother and I have finally been able to open up a dialogue about sexuality- In our case I’m the one providing the “age-appropriate explanations”. Late though we may be, we are finding our way to a sex-positive relationship. So, thank you to Airial Clark and The Mamasutra for showing me that even at 33 and 60 years-old respectively,  Mom and I aren’t too old to benefit from a little sex-positive parenting.

XXOO

-RHBH