Last week we had some fun with my latest foray into the world of online dating. We all had a good laugh but, seriously, measurements, naked pics and infidelity notwithstanding I’m actually having a great time and have learned some important stuff about working the internet scene. Today we’re going to talk about that, here goes!
So, a few months back I embarked on my first attempt at online dating. I put up a profile and got a deluge of responses (ladies take note, online dating can be a huge ego boost. Basically you post a profile and a ton of folks run to tell you how pretty you are) I went on a couple of dates and quickly realized that there are two distinct breeds of over-30 singles:
WooHooo I’m single!!! (aka Me) – marked by their excitement over their single status and enthusiasm for dating, meeting new people and having fun. These folks will spend the first date talking, laughing, getting comfortable.
Oh god, I’m still single… (aka several guys I met) – marked by their intense need to get into a relationship. It feels a little life is a battlefield and they are trying find a foxhole to dive into before it’s too late. These folks will spend the first date gathering pertinent information and mentally doing math like “if this works we could be engaged in 6 months, married in a year… Yeah I could totally have a baby before I’m (insert age here)”
This was a problem. I’m excited to date and meet folks and have fun and these folks are looking to get stuff done. Even when I met guys who said they were cool with casual dating there was a feeling of bait and switch, like they said they were okay with that as their in and then set to work on trying to make the capital R relationship happen- no bueno. I adjusted my profile to make sure that I wasted no one’s time. I made sure it was clear about the fact that I was not looking for a husband or even a boyfriend and that I have NO plans to procreate. What happened? First off, interest in me waned significantly. Secondly, the messages I did receive were still from folks whose profiles spoke of growing old together and specific numbers of children, consequently I didn’t trust them at all when they said they respected what I was looking for. I started referring to the site as rings&babies.com
Finally I realized I was in the wrong place. Looking for casual relationships at rings&babies.com was futile. It was like shopping for a Harley at a Volvo dealership. I was in the market for open air and excitement and they kept trying to sell me safety and stability.
My most frequent date. I kid… I would never step out with a PC, I’m strictly a Mac girl.
So I decided to take my talents to South Beach, as it were. I switched sites to one that I am struggling to not refer to as hititandquitit. com…. let’s go with unscarydating. com. I was careful to create a profile that reflected exactly who I am (fiercely independent, happy to be single, sex-positive wiseass) and what I’m looking for (conversation, laughs, drinks, sex and cuddling without pressure, expectations or commitments). And it worked!! I’m getting a bunch of responses from folks I actually want to meet, I’m actually having to plan carefully because, introvert* that I am, I do need to hold onto some Bedhead alone time. I’m definitely having a lot more dating fun these days and I’m meeting some really cool people in the process- so much awesomeness!
So, what did we learn?
1. When choosing an online dating site ask around, see what kind of experiences other folks have had with the site your are considering and PAY ATTENTION to what folks say. Looking back when I first made a profile on rings&babies everyone I spoke to responded similarly: “Oh! I know someone who got married off that site!” Knowing that I wasn’t looking for that I perhaps should have looked around a bit more. Oh well, live and learn
2. Make sure your profile is clear about both who you are and what you are looking for. My first profile wasn’t clear and consequently my dates and I were on different pages as to what we were looking for. I LOVE my new profile! Before making it I reviewed these great clips from the awesome folks at The Intimacy Dojo and Reid Mihalko (love him!) The videos used to work from here, like the other ones on the site… now they don’t I don’t know why but it’s totally worth following the links- they’re awesome!:
3. *Bonus lesson* I haven’t mentioned this yet and it sounds cliche but it’s so true: be you! I used to worry a lot about saying the right things in emails… now I frequently explain one of my tattoos using the phrase “second person singular imperative verb” A guy who can handle that phrase in a dating email is a guy who can handle my level of geekery- If you show up with you who are I think you have a way better chance of attracting cool folks for you.
I think I told you briefly about my experience with RingsandBabies.com. I did one of those free trial period thingies, set up my profile, and thought that I was very “me” in it. I listed that Indian food was my favorite, or anything hot and spicy. What I got in response to that was ALL the Indian men on that site writing me, and telling me we had so much in common. No, no we did not.
Next was the older dude in his mid-50’s, big time Christian, who wrote me and told me that after reading my profile he knew we were a perfect match. Really? You think so? I was 30 looking for someone 32-42, and stated that I was “spiritual, but not religious”. I somehow doubt he even bothered to scan past my profile photo.
Oh, and then was the response that screamed “I’m a Pedo”!!! Yep, I had listed that I had a child, which I hesitated to do in the first place for this very reason, but felt I needed to be honest and upfront, seeing as us people with kiddos pretty much need someone who understands what being a parent is like. This guy told me he taught guitar, and how he thought hanging in the mall all day was the coolest thing, seeing as they had food, shopping, and movies all in one place. RED ALERT, RED ALERT!!!
Needless to say, I did not go on any dates with any of the people that wrote to me, and quickly removed myself from the entire world of online dating all together. I live in a city but not a major Metropolitan one any longer (used to live in NYC), and finding people of like-mind or like-caliber, is really a difficult task. I am, however, old fashioned in that I prefer meeting people by chance and in person with no expectations, much more than meeting someone online. My brother, on the other hand, met his wife on IRC chat back in the early 90’s, and they have been married for over 10 years now. Go figure.