I think we can all agree we had a great time a few weeks back talking about sexy R&B so I’ve decided to make “Doin’ It to the Beat” a recurring series so we can regularly have fun looking at music & sex and the good, bad and sometimes hilarious ways they interact. While I was thinking about different genres and time periods I came up with this list of songs that are related in no way other than I rocked the hell out to them between the ages of 3 and 8 with (except one) full encouragement of the adults around me only to hear in adulthood and say “wait, what?!. Here are 5 songs whose blatant sexual content completely escaped my young mind, the ridiculous tales that accompany them and one awesome lesson that totally snuck up on me.

Without further ado let us embark on a tour of the musical sexual confusion of my childhood.

1. Physical- Olivia Newton- John 1981

Oh, Olivia Newton- John, Sandra Dee, so sweet, so wholesome, so horny, apparently. You can put this video in a gym and act like the “physical” they are getting is about exercise all you want but, in my experience, if a trainer demands that you “let (them) hear your body talk” it’s time to either file a harassment complaint or check to see if you have wandered into of one those late night Cinemax movies. When I was 3 years old this was my jam! My mom would crank it in the car for me and an oft-repeated story in my family is the tale of the time my brother’s catholic school (be prepared, catholic schools feature heavily in this post) had a talent show/assembly and one group got up and sang this song. My mom apparently unleashed me out into the aisle of the auditorium where I proceeded to rock out with my socks out. Everyone agreed I was adorable. Just to be clear- 3 year old child enthusiastically dancing while a chorus of older children sings about boning. That talent show from Napoleon Dynamite had nothing on us.

2. Little Red Corvette – Prince 1983

Cars, horses, music- kids like all of these things!!  Add to that the fact that I became aware of this song around the time my mother started dating the man who would become my step-father and he drove a fly-ass Trans Am (work with me folks, it was the 80s) and you have the recipe for me eternally and happily linking this song to my mom and stepdad who I love. I then didn’t hear it for years until it came on one day while I was grocery shopping. Cut to me standing in the cereal aisle going “Wait, she had a full of pocket of what? Some were used?! He’s not talking about horses! He’s not talking about a car at all!” So now a song about a one-night stand with a promiscuous woman (the titular “Little Red Corvette” – why don’t men ever liken me to cars? *sigh*) reminds me of my parents – awkward….

3. She Bop – Cyndi Lauper 1984

Let’s not beat around the bush (seriously, no pun intended) this song is about masturbation. (Fun fact: it is also the inspiration for the name of this awesome Portland sex shop!)Lauper has been quoted as saying her intention was for the song to read as being about dancing to younger listeners who would realize its real meaning when they got older- mission accomplished. At my catholic school kindergarten graduation a girl got up and performed a dance to this song. Yeah, that happened. There were nuns at this event. Children recited prayers and poems. And, obviously a 6 year-old rocked a solo routine to a song about self-love. What’s more it inspired my mom to enroll me in dance classes. And now my childhood sounds like an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras.

4. Pour Some Sugar on Me – Def Leppard 1987

Pro tip: If you are listen to a rock song, especially an older one and they mention “sugar” they mean sex. Cliff Notes for Pour Some Sugar on Me would read  “give me sex, sex, lots of sex. Let’s have sex, sex, sex, sexy sex sex” Ok, I may be exaggerating slightly but Joe Eliot and crew are not being subtle with this one. However when I was 8, I had no clue. The summer after the Hysteria album came out my cousin was obsessed with the album and his sister and I were both taking dance classes (as inspired by She Bop girl). This resulted in a lot of impromptu “rock shows” in the driveway that consisted of my brother and male cousin lip-synching this song while my female cousin and I danced around. Some of the lyrics our brothers emoted to while we gyrated? You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little tease a little more/Easy operator come a knockin’ on my door/
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet/Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah, yeah/Give a little more Looking back all that was missing was the go-go cages.  Sometimes this would happen at large family gatherings, you know, so our grandparents could clap for us, because, of course. Thankfully they refrained from throwing money.

5. Push It – Salt-n-Pepa 1987

I mentioned at the start that there was one song that I didn’t have adult support in my misunderstanding of and this is it. When the women of SnP demand that someone “push it good” they are making their intentions pretty clear and in case there’s any confusion they throw in this clue “Can’t you hear the music’s pumpin’ hard like I wish you would?” Again though, I was 8 and clueless and whenever I heard this song I pictured people pushing large boxes around (I am not kidding about that) So there I was, in 3rd grade singing in the lunchroom  “Push it, push it good!” And then there I was in the principal’s office. Here’s the thing, no one would tell me what I had done wrong. The principal called my mom in and ordered me to tell her what had happened so I did and waited for her to be as confused as I was. Instead she said “Bedhead (might not be my real name), that’s disgusting!” What she didn’t do was explain why or how. A few days later a classmate explained that the song was about sex.

Now that I’m examining my attitudes towards sexuality I’m seeing how experiences like that really do shape kids. I had done something so “disgusting” no one would talk about it and I hadn’t even realized it. Sex suddenly seemed really dangerous, like I could get in big trouble without even knowing I was doing anything wrong.  Writing this post it hit me- THIS is why sex-positive  parenting is important! Sex-positive parenting is a wonderful thing that I have just started learning about and, frankly, it is way too big a topic for right now so it’s getting its very own post. Next week we’ll pick back up with Push it and the Value of Sex-Positive Parenting- yeah, that may just be a working title…

So, that’s my Hall of Shame. What about you? Did you have any case of musical sexual confusion? Tell us about them!

PS: BTW, for anyone who is counting this post marks 3 Salt n’ Pepa references in 2 week, just putting that out there…