Back in the day, when I first started this site I declared that I wanted to “learn a lot of stuff and tell you guys what I learned as I went”. Last year I set out to destigmatize mental health by talking about my own issues openly. This weekend I decided that the natural culmination of those two missions is to share with you all what is going on with me right now, hence this post. Buckle up kids, this one’s personal. (If you’re not up for that feel free to jump ship now. Look! Here’s a time I was funny!)

As anyone who reads me at all knows I have been struggling with depression for the better part of a decade now. You may also know I have been struggling with increasingly debilitating migraine headaches (One kept me from the Playground Conference in November- boo!). I have spent years on anti-depressants feeling “meh”. Occasionally someone would say “We should test your thyroid!” and it was always normal (eventually I would just sigh when they said this because it had happened so often) but basically stuff just stayed the same.

A couple of things happened this fall:

• I had a pretty atrocious depressive episode
• My migraines worsened significantly
• I became injured and was in a lot of pain

This was the perfect storm. It sounds awful and at times was horrific but one other thing happened: I got a rad new doctor who paid attention to every symptom I had. I’m not going to go into detail on any of this stuff here (That’s not what this post is about and, dude, I’ll need material for later ;-)) but basically, because of all the awful I may now have some answers as to why I have felt like this for all these years.

What happened and what I learned:

Something happened while treating the injury that caused my doctor to suspect we should look at my hormone levels. Lo and behold my progesterone was, as my doctor put it, “non-existent”. What does that mean? Well, I found this article listing 7 common signs of low progesterone and it could have been called “JoEllen (plus infertility)”

Examples:

• Menstrual irregularities – My luteal phase has always been super short. In my 20s a doctor mocked me for asking about it.
• Infertility- No idea here, my uterus is IUD parking only
• Acne, brittle nails, dry cracked skin – My skin and nails have been atrocious for years, I kept blaming my diet, sleep, myself.
• Depression, anxiety, mood swings – Duh.
• Low libido, fatigue, foggy thinking- I had no libido for years. Looking back it returned when I went on a mammoth dose of Wellbutrin. The fatigue and foggy thinking have always been there- I really never understood how other people functioned so well.
• Slow metabolism, weight gain around the midsection, sugar craving – I was experiencing this and never thought to talk to a doctor about it because, frankly, I figured they would just say “put down the food, fatty”
• Migraines, headaches, also joint pain and allergy symptoms – And the migraines… but more on that in a minute.

So we’re giving me some hormones now – a compounding pharmacy is mixing them up for me, like an old-school druggist! (Because all this happened around Christmas, when the compounding pharmacy was explained to me I definitely said “Like when Mr. Gower almost poisons the kid in It’s A Wonderful Life, except without the poison!”) It’s been a little over a week and I’m kind of playing wait and see- I understand it can take a while to feel the effects of this kind of things but eureka! we have the answer, right?

Well, actually there’s more…

So, while we were discussing getting my hormones tested my (awesome) doctor noticed my hand tremor (we’ve discussed it before, I told you I’d look into it and then didn’t) and decided that in light of the depression, the migraines and the hand tremor an MRI of my brain my be in order. I got kind of excited for pictures of my brain (because there’s stuff I geek out about). Long story short, we found another clue in my brain and I learned a new term: meningioma (A tumor that arises from the membranes that surround your brain and spinal cord.).  I have a  benign meningioma. The first time my doctor said it my inner monologue went something like this: “I have a what? Okay, that’s a tumor. A tumor that’s in my brain. A brain tumor. HOLY SHIT I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR?!” I have since calmed down. This is not an entirely uncommon occurrence, these tumors happen most often in women, usually a bit older than I am but they can happen to anyone. (Fun fact: Mary Tyler Moore and Sheryl Crow have both had meningiomas). I have developed a sense of humor about it and encouraged the cute boy to do so too (getting folks comfortable with cracking tumor jokes is tough). We’ve even named the tumor Rick – say Tumor Rick out loud a couple of times until you find it funny, then you can continue reading.

Here’s the thing though, based on where it is located the meningioma could “trigger migraine headaches” and “cause personality changes that may appear as depression”. So there’s that. I’m still waiting on the neurologist for the game plan so I don’t know if we are going in to take the sucker out or what (Since I live in the Pacific Northwest, Patrick Dempsey will remove my brain tumor, that’s the deal, right?) but things may get really interesting this year.

What does this mean moving forward?

Extreme Self Care Fairy by Alison Crow

It means there’s going to be some hardcore self care going on. It’s funny because the depressive episode I had last fall was the first one I ever just let myself have, leaned into as it were, and it was also the first one that I felt supported through and the first one that led to any useful conclusions. That said I still spent large portions of it racked with guilt, feeling that I wasn’t doing enough, moving forward enough, being of enough service to others. That is what I’m going to let go of. Like they say on airplanes, I’m securing my own mask before assisting others. I’m taking “should” out of my vocabulary. I’m going to ask for help when I need it, I’m going to believe people when they offer, I’m going to trust that the world won’t fall apart if things don’t look the way I pictured them, I’m going to put my computer down and sleep. I’m going to live and love and test toys and not stress about mean people on twitter. Update because I left out a huge piece of practical information: I’ll be taking a step back from my beloved Portland Academy of Sex Education while I deal with all of this. As much as I love PASE, I don’t have it in me to run it like it deserves right now. 

I always say that my mission is to save the world from mediocre sex and I’m still on that but I’m going to take some time this year and, maybe, save myself from some stuff as well.