It’s Masturbation May, a time to celebrate the wonder that is self-love. It has come to my attention that there are some fairly common practices can make masturbation not-so-fun so I have put together this list of 4 things I’d like to see eliminated from the masturbatory playbook.
Assuming everyone must like it
I recently got a message from a reader who wanted toy advice because “I don’t enjoy masturbation. Whenever I ask friends they think I’m just shy or embarrassed by my body or something but I’m not, it’s just not my thing. I enjoy sex. Should I try a g-spot toy or a rabbit instead of just a clitoral vibrator? Would I like it more then?” I started off by asking if they actually wanted to be masturbating and telling them that it was okay if the answer was “no” and then gave the rest of my input. The response I got back was incredible “No one has ever told me it was ok to just not be interested! I thought I was weird because I have plenty of drive for partner sex but no real interest in masturbation, it just doesn’t feel pleasant. Maybe I’m just not into it.”
That’s right folks, just like any other sex act, masturbation is not everyone’s cup of tea. I can hear you now “But the learning! The exploration! THE ORGASMS!!!” I know, masturbation has a lot of benefits and I sure as heck love it. You know what else I love that has a lot of benefits? Kale. Not everyone’s into that either. It’s okay. (Somewhere, someone with a Hitachi in one hand and a Vitamix in a the other just screamed out in anguish)
If masturbation isn’t your thing, that’s cool. If someone tells you masturbation’s not their thing, listen to them instead of telling them why they are wrong or gasping and shuddering like a fish out of water. No shame either way.
While we’re on the topic of shame…
Acting like it’s frivolous/embarrassing/shameful
I’m going to say it: If masturbation is something you enjoy, that shit’s important! I’m not saying you should go do it on the bus or anything but let’s stop acting like it’s a super-secret thing that it would be terrible to have anyone else know we do. Value masturbation! Own it. Devote time to it. Don’t let it be the first thing that gets dumped when your schedule gets packed. Devote resources to it! I’ve talked to so many people with penises whose lives changed when they figured out the whole “keeping lube around for masturbation (Just for masturbation?! Hells yeah, just for masturbation!!)” thing. Practice it! Figure out what you like, try different things.
Deciding there’s one way it works
I’m going to drop a truth bomb on you. Are you ready? Here goes: Folks do not need to be on their backs to use a clitoral vibrator. WHAT?!!! I know, crazy right!? Okay, I’m being silly but, honestly, for the longest time it simply did not occur to me to do it any other way and I know I’m not alone. In countless classes I’ve heard it repeated by folks of all genders – they thought there was just “the way you masturbate” and after years of sticking to one position had a revelation upon changing it up. Try stuff folks. Change positions, change what part of you you’re stimulating (Wait, what?! Yep, there are options. More on that soon) hell, change rooms, whatever. If it’s not working, change it.
Which brings me to…
Thinking that you’re broken
I get a lot of questions along the line of “If this doesn’t work for me, does that mean there’s something permanently wrong with me?” and most of the time the answer is “NO!!” (The other times the answer is, “no, you, as a person are perfect but you should maybe check in with a doctor”) I cannot say this often or loudly enough: YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. I know, it’s something we are all anxious about. I worried about it a lot in life BBH (Before Bedhead) and frankly, still have the occasional moment about now (she is human, folks!) but I promise you even if the toy, technique, porn, position, whatever that EVERYONE swears by doesn’t work for you – you are not broken. You just aren’t. Even if masturbation doesn’t do it for you at all. You are not broken. Even if orgasms don’t happen for you. You are not broken.
You just aren’t. I swear.
So, that’s it folks, The Bedhead’s input for Masturbation May. Now, get out there and love on yourself. Or don’t. You know, whatever you want. ;-)