Folks, I’m not sure if you are aware but there are a lot of folks out there (you may be one of them) looking for causal sex, OkCupid even offers it as a “what I’m looking for” option. The things is, there are still some folks who really can’t handle the casual sex thing- the idea makes them stop behaving like rational human beings. Seriously, there’s some crazy stuff going on out there! I can no longer sit by and let this go unanswered. I have assembled a list of things I think folks should know before attempting to wade into the casual sex waters. Some of this strikes me as common sense… apparently it’s not as common as I think. Here goes…
1. Be kind about it.
This has two parts. First, I get an alarming number of first messages that say things like “When are you free to hook up?”. Remember, being open to casual hook-ups is not the same as offering on-demand sex. For me personally, I tend to like to meet up with people, talk to them and make sure I like them as a human being before engaging in anything physical. Not everyone feels that way but regardless, don’t treat the person you are dealing with like an employee. Someone expressing a general interest in casual sex does not mean they are definitely consenting to that sex with YOU. They don’t owe you sex.
Secondly, There’s avoiding emotional messiness and then there’s being an asshole. I’m sure you are really great and all but don’t just assume people are going to fall madly in love with you if you don’t frequently instruct them otherwise. That’s just lame. Make sure you are on the same page as to what you are looking for and then don’t be a jerk about it. There is nothing worse than dealing with someone who feels compelled to tell you over and over again that this means nothing to them and they don’t want you getting invested. Also, when you do this you run the serious risk of them thinking “Dude, seriously don’t flatter yourself!”
2.Don’t argue about safety
This one is quite simple, if one partner wants to use safer sex measures and the other doesn’t, the one who wants them wins. Always. Why? Because there are no consequences to them being “wrong” about needing that condom. But if you don’t use it and someone has an infection or someone gets pregnant, well there you are. If your partner will not comply, take your genitals and go home.
3. Don’t be selfish
I know that no-pressure sexual satisfaction is a big part of the draw here. I get that you don’t know this person well, I get that you are not that invested in them, I get it. But don’t you freakin’ dare be selfish in bed. Seriously, how fucking dare you? And, this part goes out to my readers in possession of penises especially, if it won’t get hard let it go and focus elsewhere. There is nothing worse than being in bed trying to get someone to play and having them repeatedly stop everything to yank on their flaccid penis and bitch about it’s lack of compliance or worse, make you futilely stroke, suck and otherwise service their non-tumescent member while they freak out. I get it, it sucks to have this happen but here are your options: You can A. accept that the sun doesn’t rise and set by your cock and have some fun kissing and touching and exploring the hot naked person next to you or you can B. be a selfish asshole who leaves someone who barely knows you thinking “I don’t want to touch, suck or even see that thing ever again, I’m so over this dick“ (btw, they mean both you and your member- wordplay!) So, which of those guys do you want to be?
4. Keep being kind
I’ve talked about this before but it bears repeating- DO NOT SLUT SHAME YOUR DATE. It never ceases to amaze me how many people engage in casual sex while somehow maintaining a negative image of people who engage in casual sex- WTF? Be cool. Have fun. A friend of mine recently told me about a casual evening that ended with glasses of wine while watching 227 in bed- best story ever. Also, seriously- post-coital fist bump. Do it. I intro the idea earlier in the evening by telling them about the piece, this has yet to not result in a fist bump. Also, for you it would be less awkward, when I talk about it it always seems like backdoor bragging… kind of like how I just linked to my own piece 3 times in one paragraph ;-).
5. Help them out
Literally. This will seem like a joke but I mean it with every fiber of my being, if you live in a building that is large enough to contain an elevator, no matter how ready you are for this encounter to be over, you MUST get your date to the front door of the building. It’s probably their first time in this building and odds are when they entered they were either with you or simply in a very different state of mind. Please don’t leave them wandering around not knowing that while you are only on the 3rd floor they have to take the elevator because the stairways are full of crackheads or have doors that lock them out. Don’t have them riding your elevator in a confused state in front of your neighbors for 15 minutes because you live in one of those buildings where the first floor and the ground floor aren’t the same thing or there’s a mezzanine and what the hell is that?! It’s like the Walk of Shame times 10- It’s basically Chutes and Ladders of Shame. Just get them to the front door. They will not interpret this as you wanting to marry them and make babies, I promise. You can even say “I should get you to the front door” to make your intentions clear, whatever, I don’t care, just get them to the door.
What do you think folks? Did I miss anything? Is there something you think people are screwing up? Tell me about it!