I know we’re coming up on Valentine’s day and that tends to make folks all couple-y but I’m going the other way. This week I’m doing a two part series on successful casual sex relationships! Here’s Part 2, Enjoy!
Sometimes you really just want sex with NONE of the other complications- sometimes you just want to hook up. This idea, even just a couple years back was much more taboo. Today however, we’re in the midst of a causal sex revolution, hook ups are depicted in the media, journalists fret about the implications of hook up culture and folks looking for hook up partner can find sites designed for just that.
If you want to be hooking up, there are a couple things you want to know that will make it simple, drama-free and enjoyable for all. Here’s my list of 5 Keys to Drama-Free Hook Ups so your hook ups can be free of hang ups:
1. Know what you want – exactly.
Drama often comes about because people have different definitions of “hook up”. Getting some clarity on that beforehand is a huge step towards avoiding any misunderstandings further down the road. Take a moment to picture your ideal scenario- what does it look like? Do you have dates, booty calls or simply pick people up for sex? Do you exchange numbers? Sleep over? Know exactly what your definition of hook up is.
2. Communicate what you want effectively
Now that you know what you want, you should be able to communicate this to perspective partners in a way that is kind (not rude!), direct and allows them to say yes or no. I suggest what I call Casual Sex Crazy-Libs. Fill in the blanks to create a hook up intro speech:
I think you’re (complimentary adjective) and I’d really like to (verb phrase) with you. My dating style looks like (BRIEF description) . Is that something you would be interested in?
Note, to dodge drama avoid partners who try to negotiate with you on the boundaries you just explained. Also, never end your speech with “right now”. Why? This:
3. Be safe
Good hook ups are safe hook ups! Always know your STI status. As for talking about it with partners, check this out: Reid Mihalko crafted the Safer Sex Elevator Speech script to help folks easily communicate STI and safer sex preference information to partners. Go check it out and then create your own.
4. Talking + listening = awesome sex
A hook up is generally a new sex partner. Engaging in the tired old “silence is sexy” nonsense can result, at best, in bad sex and, at worst, violations of consent. How do we deal with this and still feel sexy? Dirty talk! I actually have a very specific dirty talk structure for this situation. Here it is: Expressed Desire + Request for Consent
So what does that look like?
“I’d love to suck your cock right now, may I?”
“I want to be inside you, do you want that too?”
“I’m thinking about kissing you right now, what do you think of that?”
5. Be a good human being
When in doubt ask What Would Bedhead Do?
Walk— See them out. If your building has an elevator get them to the front door of the building, not just your apartment door
Write— Send a text. Thank them for a pleasant evening. (if you’ve exchanged numbers, if you haven’t disregard)
Be Cool— Sex shouldn’t make things awkward.
Don’t Spread it Around— No one likes to be talked about.